the murder nerds

One of the guys in my group, Rob, was handed a human fighter at the start of the campaign. He immediately dubbed himself Gary Slaughterballs, and proceeded to kick all kinds of goblin bottom through the game. Not only that, he then proceeded to create an entire backstory for the character and his family, which he shared with me.

So here it is: the first(!) instalment of the history of the house of Slaughterballs.

Notes on the Lords of Slaughterballs

Terry, the twenty sixth Lord of Slaughterballs, bore witness to the destruction of Corlinn Hill during the eruption of Mount Hotenow. His wife Betha, first son Derek, and new-born second son Gary all survived and fled to their townhouse in Waterdeep along the High Road. There the family settled and two years later a daughter was born; Fidelia. Tragically Betha died in childbirth.

Derek was groomed to become the twenty seventh Lord of Slaughterballs until a hunting accident in the Ardeep Forest claimed his life. The tragedy of losing his favourite child and heir drove Terry to madness and abdication, which wasn’t so much official as it was more a case of Terry jumping naked out the window screaming about joining Betha and Derek as “there are none now worthy of the name Slaughterballs”.

And so it was that Gary became the twenty seventh Lord of Slaughterballs aged 30, from a combination of the death of his older brother and dishonour of his father. Leaving the townhouse in the care of his sister and her husband, the wealthy merchant Darvin Amblecrown, Gary set off to restore honour and glory to the family name.

Notable Lords of Slaughterballs

• Hagar Slaughterballs: First Lord of Slaughterballs and founder of Castle Slaughterballs on Corlinn Hill.
• Dorothea was Hagar’s beloved wife. Family tradition tells of Dorothea’s spirit inhabiting the ancestral greataxe carried by the Lords of Slaughterballs.
• Gorstag VI: The Great Reformer. He passed a law stating that the eldest child, rather than eldest son, would be heir to the estate and Dorothea (By this time the axe had been named for the spirit supposedly residing within it). The title of Lord was still kept though, probably due to clerical oversight.
• Kethra IX: First female Lord of Slaughterballs and founder of the Corlinn Hill School of Martial Instruction. It is from here that the Slaughterballs name became synonymous with strength and skill in combat. She also founded the family crest of a greataxe on a crimson background. It was previously… somewhat less tasteful.
• Morag XIII: “The Lucky Lord”. She oversaw excavations under Castle Slaughterballs which unearthed fabulous treasures from the ancient past.
• Willuf XVIII: “Bloodthirsty Bill”. Expanded the Slaughterballs militia and led an expedition to counter the incursions of an Orc invasion force. It went quite well.

Other Notes

The numbering convention used by the Slaughterballs family can be confusing to the uninitiated. Taking Barry XXI as an example, it would be assumed that he was the twenty first Lord to be named Barry. However this is not the case: Barry was the twenty first Lord of Slaughterballs; the numerals after his name are simply a shorter way of denoting “twenty first Lord of Slaughterballs, rightful ruler of Corlinn Hill and wielder of the mighty axe Dorothea”. Brevity was held in high regard at Slaughterballs Castle.

There are certain scurrilous rumours that Terry XXVI had an affair with an elf-maiden following the death of his wife (family tradition dictates that the husband should follow Hagar I’s example and die of grief. That or take a vow of celibacy), leading to a possible line of illegitimate half-elf Slaughterballs children. This topic is NOT to be broached in front of Gary XXVII.